Getting a toddler to cooperate can be a tricky thing, and sometimes even a struggle. They are naturally impulsive and are servants of their will. We might consider punishments, bribes, or threats to make them cooperate. However, there is an alternative to connect with your toddler and have her cooperate naturally. Of course, it is a process, not a magical, immediate fix. In this month’s article, we will break down how to help toddlers solve problems and make decisions that will lead to cooperation with others.

Helping toddlers develop their will opens the doors for spontaneous cooperation with others without the need to bribe, threaten, or punish them. Very often, without us knowing, we oppose the development of their will, when in fact, it should be simple to offer plenty of opportunities during the day to develop it. We must understand that all toddlers are going through different stages of obedience, which will help them construct their will. It is a process that does not come automatically once an adult asks them to do something; it takes time and patience.

Stages of obedience:

1. A toddler can sometimes obey, but only if what she is being asked to do is aligned with what she wants. She understands directions, but still follows her impulses (most toddlers are in this first stage).
2. The older toddler can obey since her self-control is growing, but they don’t always do it. They might remind peers about rules, but they do not follow it.
3. The child obeys because she can, and she wants to, as long as she respects the person asking her to do it. They feel a sense of pride when being responsible (children usually get to this stage around three years old).

Obedience is not static, and even if a child was on the second stage, any exceptional circumstances, such as having a new sibling, moving to another city, or dramatic changes in the routine, might have her revisit the first stage of obedience. It is the same for adults. Even if we can have the will to eat healthily and avoid eating a candy bar, if a meeting takes too long, or we end up stuck in traffic, we might end up eating the candy bar without even thinking. So, it is important to be empathetic with toddlers since it can happen to us too.

When children start developing independence and exercising their will, it is easier to see them cooperate naturally with us. 

How to Foster Cooperation

1. Avoid rushing, and prepare for an extended period of time for the activity or action you want your toddler to accept. What takes adults 5 minutes, can take 30 minutes for a toddler, and that is okay.
2. Foster the order of elements in the activities you want your toddler to cooperate with. If you want her to cooperate every day by dressing up independently, make sure that the clothes are always in the same spot. If you want her to water the plants daily, make sure the watering can is always available in the same place as well.
3. Make room for independence. For every new thing you want her to help with, show her how to do it, and then step back so she can repeat and master the skill. Then she will be able to do it independently when asked to.
4. Avoid interrupting, and remember to take a step back and count to ten before intervening when you observe that your toddler needs help. Only then should you ask her if she needs assistance.
5. Give choices, and always offer two positive options.
6. Make her think and reflect on a specific problem. Ask her questions like, “It is very cold outside. What should we wear,” or “You want to go to the park, but it is very dark outside; I wonder how we can solve the problem?”
7. Always speak with a respectful tone and attitude; we want toddlers to know that we are coming from a calm place in our hearts.

Additional strategies:

1. Whispering is a great way to get their attention if we haven’t been successful with our natural tone of voice.
2. Use a clock or timer to try to beat the clock and work together with your toddler. This is an exciting way to collaborate in an activity that your toddler might not want to do by himself.
3. Use a sticky note as a reminder on things you want your toddler to notice. For instance, if you are working on putting on shoes independently before going out, place a sticky note on the shoes, and it will help him remember the next step is to put on the shoes.
4. Use humor. For instance, if she does not want to put on her shoe, you can pretend to put it on and say, “Oh no, this is very small for me. This is your size, not mine.” Toddlers usually react positively to humor, and they are encouraged to cooperate.

Quote of the Month

"Everyone talks about peace, but no one educates for peace. In this world, they educate for competition, and competition is the beginning of any war. When educating to cooperate and owe each other solidarity, that day we will be educating for peace.” 

 -Maria Montessori

Video of the Month

Montessori Live Show by Voila Montessori and The Montessori Notebook

Watch this one-hour video where two experienced Montessorians and parent educators share their insights on how to get more cooperation for kids without threatening and nagging.

Link to watch it on YouTube.com

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjut5GpA2vM