We all love to spend time with other people, and once you have a child, you will probably take her with you to most of your social gatherings and even coordinate some playdates with friends, neighbors, or social media groups that have children around the same age. What happens when your toddler clearly says “No” when you ask her to share a toy, or when another child is trying to touch his precious toy and she screams “Mine!” Do we demand that she give it to the child? In this month’s article, we will discuss why we should not force children to share and what to do instead. 

We all want our children to be empathetic to each other. Sometimes driven by that positive goal, we tend to force it on our children, making it an unpleasant experience for them.

When we have young children, we must remember that they are egocentric for the first three to four years of life, and this is part of their healthy development. When we observe toddlers, we can pinpoint that they do not play with other children, but they can play and enjoy themselves next to other toddlers. Their play is parallel at this age, and it is entirely normal. They are developing concentration and will use an object as long as they need to satisfy their curiosity. 

Imagine you are happily immersed in a project on your laptop, but there is so much more you want to still do with it. Then a peer comes and takes your computer away; if you vocalize you want your computer back, then somebody quickly tells you, “You need to share your computer; good people share.” How would you feel? Is it fair to you? I am sure your answer will be a negative one, because, indeed, it is an unfair situation for you; your feelings are being dismissed. It is almost unimaginable because we know the adult world does not work like that. Well, that is precisely how toddlers feel when an adult demands that they share. They feel frustrated and do not understand why it is happening; the reaction often is crying, screaming, or holding tight to the object that the other child wants. Is this how we want our children to experience sharing? Do you think in the future they will spontaneously share after this? No, they won’t. What happens is that the child connects this scene with the verb sharing, so when he hears “you have to share,” the same negative feelings arise because for him, sharing means being disrupted and taken away from his belongings without his consent. 

In a Montessori school environment, you will notice there is only one set of each material, and children do not fight to use it all at once. Why? Because there is another skill to be learned: waiting for their turn. This is a great ability to learn, because in life, we don’t always get what we want precisely at the moment we want it. There is no immediate gratification and we need to understand that it is okay. Control any frustration that might arise, and wait for our turn. Have you ever entered a restaurant to find out there is a 35-minutes waiting list? Well, understanding that we need to wait for our turn and be okay with it starts in early childhood.

What to do instead?

Adjust your expectations. Understand that your toddler has a heightened sense of “I” and wants to practice with something until she masters it. She is not mean or rude to her peers. She just wants to keep working and concentrate without being interrupted.

Suggest observing. Ask your child if she is okay with her peer watching her use the toy.

Take Turns

Let her know there is a child that wants to use the toy as well. You can tell her, “He also wants to use it, so when you are done it will be his turn to use it.” This way the other child knows you acknowledge him and will make it easier to wait. You can even suggest the other child use something else until this toy becomes available.

Help her use her Words

Model how to tell a peer, “I am using it; it is my turn.” “It is not available, I am using it.” It helps your child to vocalize her desires and also helps the peer to understand why he can’t use the toy right now, which hopefully will help him wait as well. Also, when someone tells your child a toy is not available, she will be able to recall this situation and it might be easier for her to wait patiently.

Sharing with Visitors

Before having people come over to your house, ask your child if there are any specific toys that she would like to put away on a shelf. Sometimes they have a special toy they do not want anybody to touch, so allow her to put it away before her peers come. Then she will feel more comfortable letting the other children use the rest of the toys that remain on display.

Be Empathetic

If you notice your child is having a hard time waiting, talk to her and share with her moments of the day you had to wait as well. For instance,“I know it is hard to wait. This morning I wanted to brush my teeth, but I had to wait until Dad finished using the sink.” 

Item of the Month

Box with Key

A small box with a key to open and close it is an excellent activity for your child. It refines the eye-hand coordination and the fine motor skills of grasping. Plus, it is very interesting to observe the different objects she will store in it. A suggestion is to attach a medium-size ribbon to the key, so it does not get lost and is less tempting to put it inside her mouth.

Link to buy at Amazon.com:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07DDFNW6G?colid=DXZP69VSXQ1T&coliid=I1K4Y7SPAUBH8T&ref=br_ADD_TO_CART_title_link

Quote of the Month

“Education is a natural process carried out by the child and is not acquired by listening to words but by experiences in the environment” 

-Maria Montessori