Many times as parents we might find ourselves thinking about why our child does not seem to hear us or why he is challenging what you ask him to do. How can you get him to do it? These situations arise very often, and even if we are very proud of the independence they have achieved and that they speak for themselves, at the same time, we would like to have a magic word that makes them do what we want to without power struggles. Is this possible? Keep reading because in this month’s article we will look into respectful ways to get your child to cooperate with you without bribes, praises, or being threatened.
Children are unique individuals with their own big emotions and needs. When they are born, their brain is not fully developed yet. It develops from back to front, and the prefrontal cortex is the last part to develop. This part of the brain is responsible for reasoning, logic, problem-solving, focus, attention, stopping impulses, and memory. It takes 25 years for the prefrontal cortex to be fully developed. Isn’t this astonishing? With this information, it is easier to understand the behavior of your child and why sometimes he won’t follow instructions and won’t cooperate with you. So in these situations, we might find ourselves using techniques such as bribes, threats, or punishments to get them to do what we want. However, this is a quick fix that comes from extrinsic motivation. It might seem to work at the moment (if it works at all), but it will lack a positive impact in the long-term relationship with your child and the self-image he is creating of himself.
Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation
When we talk about intrinsic motivation, we are referring to the child that enjoys doing something because it satisfies his inner needs. He works because he likes the process, not the product of the process. There is no need to motivate him from the outside because he is already self-motivated. It depends on the child, not on the adult.
On the other hand, extrinsic motivation refers to a series of stimuli offered to the child from the outside to push him to do something. This can be threats like, “If you don’t clean up your room I am going to throw away all your toys,” or bribes like “If you clean up your room I will let you watch TV,” or punishments like “If you don’t clean up your room you will go to time out.” All of these are situations that might make the child clean up the room, but not because he wants it and feels good about an organized space, but because of fear. It is easy to think these techniques work because usually they offer an immediate response from the child, but it has many negative consequences in the long term. When aiming to build intrinsic motivation, it is a long process, but is it the only process that will have a long term positive impact. We need to do something with the child, and he needs to feel he has some control over the situation.
Good Job! Candies and other Rewards
Good job is a very popular expression used by many parents, educators, and adults that are in touch with children. This is an extrinsic motivation because the child does not understand why it was a good job, but he likes making the adult happy and not getting in trouble. Instead, in a Montessori environment, we avoid praising the action, but we do acknowledge the effort and describe the impact of that effort. For instance, if a child cleans up the table instead of saying, “Good job Andrew!” we would say, “Andrew, now that table is clean, you will be able to use it for materials without getting food on them.” This statement helps the child understand the positive impact of his actions and will be able to repeat when he wants the same result in the future. This is also an excellent opportunity to offer a richer language in a real situation instead of the same constant two-word expression of “Good job!” There is so much more vocabulary we can use when we describe and refer to the effort the child has made. The same dynamic happens when we offer prizes like stickers, candies, watching tv, eating chips, etc. They might seem to do to the job right away, but this isn’t coming from the child. Would the child be happy to do it without prizes? Extrinsic motivation is a short way to the quickest process, but it is also the shortcut to the best way for your child’s future.
Time out
Using a timeout as a punishment technique won’t make your child think about what he has done. Your child more than likely will be thinking about how he feels being isolated and how he feels about the person that put him there. Removing the child from a challenging situation won’t give him the tools to solve it if it happens again. Nothing positive for your child or your relationship will result from time outs. Avoiding timeouts shows respect for your child. Remember, your child is not giving you a hard time; your child is having a hard time. Talk to him and ask him how both of you can navigate this.
Self-Confidence
When the child centers the attention on extrinsic motivation to keep doing something right or stop doing something negative, then what happens when the adult is not there to praise him or to threaten him? The child won’t be independent and won’t be able to make a decision; he will be waiting for an adult to determine if what he is doing or saying is right or wrong. Do we want children depending on us to decide how to act? Allow your child to make the decision, to understand the effort he has done and the impact. Trust him, and give him space to develop inner motivation. If you find yourself about to bribe or punish your child, think about whether this is really what you want longterm for him. What are the life skills you want your child to learn? Is this going to help him be resilient, self-confident, self-reliant, and generous?
What to do instead?
- Acknowledge their effort and describe what they have done positively.
- Avoid comparisons between siblings.
- Talk to the child calmly and clearly and avoid screaming.
- Allow repetition.
- Manage your expectations and remember he is a child, and his prefrontal cortex is still developing.
- Build a foundation of connection and trust with your toddler from the beginning, so in this moment of high emotions, the communication and cooperation will flow easily.
- Avoid interrupting his concentration with expressions like “good job!”. Just observe.
- Encourage problem-solving: “There is paint in the wall, and I wonder how you are going to solve that.”
- Always give a heads up for any changes in the daily routine to avoid your child feeling disoriented.
- Offer support with expression, such as “Oh I can see you are having a hard time; can I help you calm down?”
Book of the Month
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
This easy to read book includes many situations every parent can identify with. It offers plenty of practical information about how to break patterns of arguments with your children, how to cope with your child’s negative feelings, and how to engage your child in cooperation with you. It also gives many examples of how to express your anger without being disrespectful or hurtful to your child.
Link to buy it at Amazon.com:
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=how+to+talk+so+children+will+listen&qid=1582573210&sr=8-3
Quote of the Month
“If you’ve told a child a thousand times, and the child still has not learned, then it is not the child who is the slow learner.” Walter B. Barbe
