As children start to speak more clearly, adults might expect them to say certain phrases in specific situations, especially if they are related to manners. Of course, we all want our children to be empathetic and use respectful language with others, but what is the best way to teach them that? Is it something that can be taught quickly? Keep reading, because this month´s article includes valuable information about what Dr. Maria Montessori called “Grace and Courtesy.” We will discuss the meaning of it, the proper way to expose our children to it, and the main reasons why asking them to repeat words won’t help them and might even frustrate them.

It is common to see adults demanding that a child repeat expressions like thank you, sorry, and please. It is understandable that parents want to make sure their children know about manners and want them to use them; it all comes from good intentions, but let’s dig a little bit deeper into the true meaning of these expressions because they are more than just words.

Dr. Maria Montessori talked about grace and courtesy as part of the development of the child. She referred to it as a general attitude of graciousness and respect towards other living beings and the environment. It can only be created when we first model it with our actions, not by demanding it. We must remember that we are the most important element in the environment. We will have a more significant impact on the education of our children than any toy or material. The way we carry ourselves and the way we relate to our child is crucial, especially when we are talking about manners.

Why don´t we ask children to repeat words?

1. We give more importance to the word than the action. We can get so caught up on a word that the action loses its meaning and the child feels pressure to articulate the word even if she does not understand the meaning of it. She might say it just because we are demanding, but she is not associating the situation with it. The next time this happens, she will have no clue what to say because she did not make the connection last time, and she just repeated the word she was requested to repeat. 
2. We do not want to force children to say something that they do not feel. If we demand it, we are not respecting their freedom of choice or expression. We need to be very vigilant with this since we do not want to give a negative connotation of grace and courtesy.
3. When we immediately ask our children to say something, they can sense our urgency to act, and we inhibit the opportunity for them to feel their own response to the situation.
4. We do not want our children to believe that expressions like sorry will fix everything. They might start to use it as a bandage constricting sore emotions instead of airing and healing them. 

What to do instead?

1. The first and most important thing you can do is always model grace and courtesy. There is no better teacher than a real experience. Your child needs to see you using all of these expressions in the correct situations. This is an excellent opportunity to reflect on our manners and enhance them. This is not only for positive situations such as saying please and thank you. You must also model the behavior by saying “I am sorry” so our children will understand that we are not perfect either and that we all make mistakes. When you think you might need to apologize to your toddler or any other family member, do it. This is the only way your toddler will absorb the correct words for the right situation.
2. Instead of demanding that she apologizes for something, involve her in solving the situation. For instance, if she pushed a peer at the park, instead of asking her to say sorry immediately, you can ask her to check how the peer is doing, offer an ice pack, or help him stand up. Actions speak louder than words; we want our children to know how to take action if this happens again. 
3. In case of conflict with other children, support each child and listen to what the other child would like her to do next time,and encourage problem-solving.
4. Trust your child, be patient, and do not push. You can assure her that when she feels like saying thank you, she can go ahead and say it. We are there to guide them but not force; we believe sincere expressions are much more valid and richer than forced ones.

Quote of the Month

“To do an action with grace is not enough to do it with a smile on our face .... the smile has to be in the heart; the act must be an act of love, one of which we are responsible” ​-Stephenson Margaret, National Convention AMI 1988

Item of the Month

Light Switch Extender for Children

This is an amazing tool that will help your toddler independently turn on and off the lights without the need to climb into chairs or other items that can be risky. It is easy to install and use. It also glows in the dark so your child can find it easily at night.



Link to buy it at Amazon.com: 

https://www.amazon.com/KidSwitch-Award-Winning-Extender-Children-Toddlers/dp/B001GHZ2L8/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=KidSwitch+Award+Winning+Extender+children+Toddler&qid=1594825289&sr=8-2