There is a popular expression that many adults use to describe toddlers, and it is an expression that underestimates their potential and has a negative connotation about the stage of the development they're going through. This expression is “The Terrible Twos.” Many of us have heard it or even used it, but what does it really mean? What are the characteristics we observe in our toddlers that push us to refer to them as terrible? In this month´s article, we will look closely at the emotional and psychological development of a toddler, which will help us understand what they are going through and the reason behind many attitudes that we might think are defiant, terrible, or disrespectful.

When toddlers start being vocal, they discover a new, powerful tool to express what they do and do not want. They explore the consequences of using their words and the reaction other people have towards what they say. 

We wait eagerly for our children to say their first word; we even record it on video and share it with the family. Still, once they start talking and expressing, we might get irritated or frustrated because now they are giving their opinion on everything. Isn´t it ironic?

Dr. Maria Montessori called this period of life the “Crisis of Self- Affirmation,” or “Crisis of Opposition.” It can start when the child is around 18 months of age and may continue until he is almost three-years-old. This is tightly related to the development of oral language; because of this, children will enter this crisis at different ages. The use of the word “no” marks the beginning of this period. This is a very significant phase for the child because he is leaving infancy and entering into childhood. During this crisis, toddlers have a strong innate desire to be independent, make decisions, and demonstrate control. At the same time, they still want to feel the security of the nurturing circle the mother provides.

When toddlers enter this crisis, they have a strong desire to self-affirm who they are as individuals. Their actions will show us that they want to prove they can do things, and they are no longer content to just watch the environment. Now they want to take action and they want to collaborate with us. So, the best we can do is offer many opportunities during the day to satisfy their desire to have control over situations. Offer many choices throughout the day, from the time they wake up until they go to bed. Giving power to their voice will diminish their frustration and the episodes where they answer “No!” Prepare positive choices, so no matter what he chooses, it will be beneficial for him. Avoid giving commands since your toddler will feel he is being imposed upon and might react to it. For instance, instead of telling him to put on his shoes, try to give him the option to choose which shoes he will wear. Having the opportunity to make that decision will help your child self-affirm; he is an individual with the freedom and ability to make decisions. 

It is important to note that you do not have to wait until your child talks to offer him choices. One of the best ways to prevent a power struggle is to give freedom of choice since he is a baby. Even if a child cannot speak, he can point with his fingers, or use other body languages to express what he desires. If children are given this opportunity from the time they are very young, when they develop oral communication, they do not get surprised that their verbal expressions are heard and have an impact, because they already understand the importance of their presence in the family. Giving them choices demonstrates that we trust their ability to choose and that we respect their judgment.

The end of this crisis is clearly marked when toddlers use the pronoun “I” properly. This is the sign that they have integrated themselves as individuals and unique human beings, and not as part of anyone else.

Quote of the Month

 “Behind the child’s ‘no’, is the desire to be recognized as a person who is already able to resolve many problems related to him…and to ask for his opinion much more often than is generally done.”

-Silvana Quattrocchi Montanaro, Understanding The Human Being



Have a little extra time?

No Bad Kids: Questions about Tantrums, Mealtimes, and Cleaning Up by Janet Lansbury

Listen to this 20-minute podcast with Janet Lansbury. She looks into different situations that most parents often find challenging with their children, for instance, tantrums, mealtimes, and cleaning up. She gives many useful insights that are easy to practice!

Link to hear it at Soundcloud.com: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2020/01/no-bad-kids-questions-about-tantrums-mealtimes-and-cleaning-up/